People who act friendly but secretly dislike you often display these 8 specific behaviors

We’ve all met them — the smiling colleague who never says anything overtly rude, the friend who compliments you but somehow makes you feel small, or the neighbor who waves enthusiastically but never really seems happy to see you.

These people wear friendliness like a mask — but beneath the surface, something else simmers.

Psychologists refer to this as “covert antagonism” — a subtle, passive form of hostility. And if you know how to spot it, their behavior tells the real story.

Here are 8 specific behaviors people often display when they pretend to like you, but secretly don’t.

1. Backhanded compliments dressed as praise

They say:

“You look great for your age!”
“I never expected you to get that job — congrats!”
“You’re actually really smart, you know that?”

A backhanded compliment delivers two messages: a surface-level compliment and a subtle dig. The problem? It’s wrapped in praise — so calling it out can make you seem overly sensitive.

Psychology behind it:
This is a classic example of “passive-aggressive communication.” People who harbor resentment or envy often feel uncomfortable expressing those emotions directly. So they couch their hostility in something socially acceptable — like a compliment. It allows them to release their discomfort while keeping their “nice person” mask intact.

If someone’s praise regularly leaves you feeling confused or subtly insulted, trust your gut. They’re probably not a fan.

2. They mimic empathy but subtly dismiss your feelings

They say:

“Wow, you’re still upset about that?”
“I mean, it wasn’t that bad.”
“You’re just overthinking it.”

At first glance, these comments may seem like an attempt to help you feel better. But listen more closely, and you’ll notice they’re actually invalidating your emotional experience.

Psychology behind it:

This behavior stems from emotional distancing. When someone secretly dislikes you, they often find your emotions inconvenient or excessive — especially if your feelings challenge their own behavior or beliefs. So instead of engaging with your experience, they minimize or brush it off.

Real friends sit with your discomfort. Fake friends get uncomfortable and rush to shut it down.

3. They “forget” or conveniently ignore your wins

When you mention a new opportunity, a personal win, or a compliment someone gave you, they respond with:

• Silence.

• A quick subject change.

• A shrug and a muttered, “Nice.”

Psychology behind it:

This often reflects covert envy. According to social comparison theory, people constantly evaluate their own worth by comparing themselves to others. When someone who secretly resents you hears about your success, it threatens their self-concept — especially if they view you as competition.

Instead of celebrating with you, they downplay your win or pretend it didn’t happen. It’s not about your success — it’s about their inability to deal with it.

4. They mock you subtly — then laugh it off as a joke

They say:

“Oh come on, I was just kidding.”
“Don’t be so sensitive.”
“It’s just banter — lighten up!”

Under the guise of humor, they take jabs at your insecurities, opinions, or achievements. If you call them out, they act shocked and hurt — flipping the blame back onto you.

Psychology behind it:
This is called “relational aggression” — an indirect form of bullying where someone uses social manipulation rather than overt confrontation. It’s common among people who feel powerless to express their dislike openly, so they resort to sarcastic put-downs or “jokes” to vent hostility without taking responsibility.

True humor connects. This kind leaves bruises.

5. Their body language leaks tension — even when their words sound friendly

They smile — but it doesn’t reach their eyes.
They lean away slightly when talking to you.
They fidget, cross their arms, or clench their jaw when you walk in.

Psychology behind it:

Humans are wired for emotional leakage. According to nonverbal communication research, micro-expressions and body posture often reveal more than words. Someone who secretly dislikes you may force themselves to be polite, but their nervous system betrays them — they’ll tense up or unconsciously display subtle signs of discomfort.

Look for the mismatch: Are their words friendly, but their tone clipped? Are they saying all the right things, but backing away as they do?

Their nervous system can’t lie — even if they can.

6. They give you the “slow fade” — then act like nothing’s changed

At first, they responded quickly. They were eager to hang out. They shared details of their life. Then slowly — almost imperceptibly — something shifts.

• Responses get shorter and less frequent.

• Plans are vague or always rescheduled.

• You feel like you’re chasing the connection.

But when you bring it up? They deny anything is wrong.

Psychology behind it:

This is a form of emotional disengagement. When someone harbors resentment or dislike but wants to avoid confrontation, they slowly withdraw to create emotional distance — without ever being direct. The goal is to phase you out, not talk it through.

It’s painful because it creates relational ambiguity — the illusion that things are fine when they’re not. The emotional warmth is gone, but the social mask stays on.

7. They subtly compete with you — even in casual conversation

You tell a story. They instantly top it.
You mention a new hobby. They “coincidentally” picked that up too — and are already better at it.
You get a compliment. They suddenly bring up one they received last week.

Psychology behind it:

This is often driven by covert competitiveness — a need to reassert superiority in subtle, socially acceptable ways. It’s not the same as healthy competition. Instead, it’s a symptom of fragile ego and suppressed animosity. Rather than celebrate your success, they feel the need to “one-up” you in order to restore their self-worth.

If every conversation becomes a quiet contest, you’re not dealing with a friend — you’re dealing with a rival in disguise.

8. They gossip about you under the guise of concern

They say:

“I’m just worried about them…”
“I probably shouldn’t say this, but…”
“I just don’t want people to get the wrong idea about them.”

They position themselves as a helpful friend — someone who’s only speaking up out of care. But in reality, they’re planting seeds of doubt about your character, judgment, or reputation.

Psychology behind it:

This is known as “reputational sabotage,” a form of indirect aggression. Instead of confronting you or cutting ties, they try to erode how others see you — often while maintaining a pleasant relationship on the surface. It’s manipulative, covert, and emotionally damaging.

A real friend protects your name when you’re not in the room. A fake one uses your absence to tarnish it.

Final thoughts: What to do when you spot the signs

It’s disorienting when someone smiles to your face but undermines you behind your back. The mix of friendliness and subtle hostility can make you doubt your instincts. But here’s the truth:

If you consistently feel uncomfortable around someone — even if you can’t explain why — you should pay attention.

You don’t need to confront them or “prove” anything. Just adjust your emotional investment. Set boundaries. Share less. Protect your energy.

Remember: not everyone deserves full access to your life just because they’re polite.

The Buddhist concept of upekkha — or equanimity — reminds us not to become overly reactive to praise or blame, friendship or hostility. Not everyone will like you, and that’s okay. Your peace of mind doesn’t have to depend on other people’s approval — especially those who only offer it conditionally.

So stay grounded. Stay observant. And when the friendliness feels off, trust your inner radar. It’s usually right.