Genesis: The Remix

Liz Brown has edited Genesis for us.

1[LB1]In the beginning,[LB2] when God created the heavens and the earth, 2 the earth was a formless void[LB3] and darkness covered the face of the deep, while a wind from God swept over the face of the waters. 3 Then God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light. 4[LB4] ; and God separated the light from the darkness[LB5] . 5 God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night[LB6] . And there was evening and there was morning, the first day.

[LB7]
6 And God said, “Let there be a dome in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the waters[LB8] .” 7 So God made the dome and separated the waters that were under the dome from the waters that were above the dome. And it was so[LB9] . 8 God called the dome Sky. And there was evening and there was morning, the second day.

And it was so.

9 And God said, “Let the waters under the sky be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear.” And it was so. 10 God called the dry land Earth, and the waters that were gathered together he called Seas. And God saw that they were good[LB10] . 11 Then God said, “Let the earth put forth vegetation: plants yielding seed, and fruit trees of every kind [LB11] And it was so. [LB12] And God saw that it was good. 13 And there was evening and there was morning, the third day.

14 And God said, “[LB13] And it was so. 16 God made the two great lights — the greater light to rule the day and[LB14] — and the stars. 17 God set them in the dome of the sky to give light upon the earth[LB15] , 18[LB16] to rule over the day and over the night[LB17] , and to separate the light from the darkness. And God saw that it was good. 19 On the fourth day there was evening and there was morning..[LB18]

20 And God said, “Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the dome of the sky[LB19] .” 21 [LB20] God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, of every kind, with which the waters swarm. .[LB21] And God saw that they were [LB22] good. 22 God blessed them, saying, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fil[LB23] l the[LB24] seas with water, and let birds multiply on the earth.” 23 And there was evening and there was morning, the fifth day.[LB25]

24 And God said, “Let the earth bring forth living creatures of every kind: cattle and creeping things and wild animals of the earth of every kind[LB26] .” And it was so[LB27] . 25 God made the wild animals of the earth of every kind, and the cattle of every kind[LB28] , and everything that creeps upon the ground of every kind. And God saw that they were [LB29] good.

26 Then God said, “Let us[LB30] make humankind in our image, according to our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the wild animals of the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth.”

27 So God created humankind in his image,
in the image of God he created them[LB31] ;
male and female.[LB32]
28 God blessed them, and said to them:[LB33] “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air[LB34] and over every living thing that moves upon the earth.” 29 God said:[LB35] “[LB36] . 30 And to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food[LB37] .” And it was so. 31 God saw everything that he had made, and indeed, it was very good[LB38] . And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.[LB39]

Why is Day Seven included in a separate “verse”? If you’re going for a “cliffhanger” effect, it would probably be best to end this first verse on a more exciting note. It’s especially disappointing when we find out that God spent the seventh day napping.

[LB1]OK, right off the bat here, what’s with the numbers? They really interrupt the flow.

[LB2]Add comma

[LB3]If the earth was a “formless void,” then what were the heavens.

[LB4]Redundant

[LB5]The reader would like some more information on how this happened. If it’s “light” isn’t it already not dark? The author risks losing the reader right off the bat by not explaining this.

[LB6]The capitalization leads the reader to believe that these are individuals

[LB7]The author just stated that he created “Day” and “Night”—and then immediately switches to evening and morning in the same sentence. This is confusing for the reader.

[LB8]“Separate the waters from the waters”? Looks like a big fat typo here.

[LB9]So, basically, the entire world is underwater? Is this the Bible or Finding Nemo?

[LB10]You’re referring to “Earth” and “Seas” here, so it should be plural.

[LB11]Redundant

[LB12]You already said that. Cut this.

[LB13]Clunky verbiage. Consider condensing rather than constantly repeating the same thing over and over. For example, a cleaner, more contemporary version of this might read: “God turned on the lights and agreed to pay the electrical bill until the end of time.”

[LB14]It’s already been established by many scientists and astronomers that the light of the moon is just the reflected light of the Sun. Unless this is supposed to be a fantasy novel that takes place on some other planet?

[LB15]Is it “Earth” or “earth”. Be consistent in your capitalizations.

[LB16]The numbers in the middle of the sentences are really obnoxious and distracting.

[LB17]Sounds like a rip off of “Lord of the Rings” and the whole “one ring to rule them all” section. While the writer may argue that the Old Testament was written first, the popularity of Tolkein’s piece is undeniable in modern times and should be taken into consideration.

[LB18]Start with “on the fourth day”. It’s less awkward.

[LB19]But won ‘t the birds smack into the side of the dome? That’s a lot of dead and/or disoriented birds. Just saying.

[LB20]Including “so” makes it seem like God created the sea monsters and all the over living creatures “because of” the birds flying around across the dome.

[LB21]You already said that.

[LB22]Make plural

[LB23]

[LB24]Awkward verbiage

[LB25]Run on sentence

[LB26]Please explain why you single out cattle, and then suddenly get very general referring to “creeping things” and then grouping together all other “wild animals in general”

[LB27]Please elaborate

[LB28]It seems that the author has divided the entire animal kingdom into three groups: wild animals, living things that “creep” upon the Earth and “cattle”. Is there a reason that the author has chosen to leave out non “creepers” who are also not wild, nor cattle? Like, giraffes? Or elephants?

[LB29]Plural agreement seems like a real challenge for this writer. Please pay attention to this in future projects.

[LB30]Wait, “us”? Please explain who is currently hanging out with God in this scene. They must be a very important character.

[LB31]The author is saying that “God” created humankind in the image of “God.” If God has suddenly decided to refer to himself in the third person, it could be viewed as profoundly pretentious by readers. Perhaps that is what the author intended. If so, please clarify and comment on God’s obnoxious personality so that readers will have a clear idea of whom they’re dealing with

[LB32]Redundant

[LB33]Replace comma with colon

[LB34]Are non-flying birds excluded from this?

[LB35]Replace comma with colon

[LB36]This entire sentence is a mess. The author would do well to simplify. Try something more like: “If anyone is hungry, I’ve made some nice fresh fruit for everyone to enjoy. Help yourself!”

[LB37]Are certain plants supposed to be matched to specific animal creepers? This seems like a pretty important piece of information.

[LB38]So he’s conceited? The author hints at character development here, but never really seems to latch on to a personality trait and give the reader the much needed details he’s interested in

[LB39]Seems anticlimactic