10 outdated “polite” habits that actually make you look insecure

by Lachlan Brown | November 10, 2025, 8:55 pm

There’s a fine line between being polite and coming across as insecure.

Historically, certain manners were taught as a sign of respect and politeness.

However, times have changed and some of these so-called “polite” habits can actually make you seem less self-assured.

Being excessively polite can sometimes give off the impression that you’re unsure of yourself, rather than just being respectful.

It’s time to reassess these habits and find a balance between being respectful and maintaining your confidence.

Let’s dive in and see if any of these habits ring a bell with you.

1) Over-apologising

We’ve all been there. Someone bumps into us and we automatically say “Sorry”.

While it’s good to apologise when we’re in the wrong, excessive apologising for minor things is an outdated polite habit that can make us appear insecure.

Apologising too often can give the impression that we feel the need to take blame for everything, even when it’s not our fault.

This can send a message of insecurity and lack of confidence.

While it’s important to show remorse when we’ve made a mistake, it’s equally important not to take responsibility for things that are out of our control.

Next time you find yourself saying sorry for something minor or not your fault, pause and consider whether an apology is really necessary.

Balancing politeness with confidence is key to positive interactions.

2) Avoiding eye contact

Let me share a personal example with you. I was always taught that maintaining eye contact was impolite and intrusive.

I would often look away during conversations, thinking I was showing respect.

But it wasn’t until I entered the professional world that I learned this habit was actually making me appear insecure.

I realised that avoiding eye contact made me seem less confident and nervous, even when that wasn’t the case.

Eye contact is a powerful way to show confidence and assertiveness.

When used appropriately, it can imply that you’re engaged, interested and value the conversation.

While it’s important not to stare or make someone feel uncomfortable, remember that appropriate eye contact is a sign of self-assuredness.

It took me some time to unlearn this habit, but it made a world of difference to my interactions.

3) Downplaying accomplishments

Did you know that a study found that people who downplay their successes are often perceived as less competent?

It’s a surprising revelation, but it makes sense.

Many of us have been taught to be humble and not to “brag” about our accomplishments.

While humility is a virtue, consistently downplaying our achievements can make us appear insecure.

If you’ve worked hard for something, it’s okay to acknowledge it. It’s not bragging – it’s a fair recognition of your efforts.

There’s a difference between boasting and confidently owning your achievements.

4) Overusing filler words

“Um”, “uh”, “like”, “you know”… we’re all guilty of using these filler words more than we should.

In the past, it was considered polite to use these fillers to avoid awkward silences during conversations.

Overuse of these words can make you come across as uncertain or lacking confidence.

While it’s completely natural to use filler words occasionally, relying on them too much can detract from your message and diminish your perceived confidence.

The next time you’re in a conversation or giving a presentation, try to be mindful of your filler words.

Practice pausing instead, giving yourself a moment to gather your thoughts.

It might feel uncomfortable at first but over time, you’ll notice a boost in your confidence and clarity in your communication.

5) Hiding your opinion

In an effort to avoid conflict or disagreement, many of us often hide our true opinions.

We might nod in agreement even when we feel differently, or stay quiet when we actually have a lot to say.

While it’s important to be respectful and considerate of others’ views, constantly hiding your own opinions can make you seem insecure.

It’s possible to express your thoughts and ideas without being confrontational.

A healthy discussion involves differing opinions and can lead to more productive outcomes.

Don’t shy away from sharing your thoughts. Your opinion matters and expressing it confidently is a reflection of your self-assuredness.

6) Constantly seeking validation

We all like to feel valued and appreciated. But there’s a difference between being appreciated for our work and constantly seeking approval for every little thing we do.

Constantly asking others for validation can give the impression that you lack confidence in your own abilities.

You may think it’s polite to check in with others, but it can make you look insecure.

It’s okay to trust your judgement. You’re capable and smart, and you don’t need constant reassurance from others to confirm that.

Believe in yourself and your capabilities. It’s not about being arrogant, but about having a healthy confidence in your own skills and decisions.

Trust me, you’re more capable than you give yourself credit for.

7) Overthinking your responses

I used to spend countless hours replaying conversations in my head, worrying about whether I’d said the right thing.

I’d meticulously craft my responses, trying to predict every possible reaction.

But I soon realised this was an outdated “polite” habit that was doing more harm than good.

It made me seem hesitant and insecure, even when I was confident about what I was saying.

Rather than overthinking every word, it’s better to speak authentically and naturally.

Of course, it’s important to be considerate and thoughtful in how we communicate, but we also need to allow ourselves the freedom to express our thoughts without fear of judgement.

It’s okay to pause and think before you respond, but don’t let overthinking hold you back from speaking confidently.

8) Always saying yes

You might think that always agreeing to requests or invitations is a polite habit. But in fact, it can often make you appear insecure.

Constantly saying yes, especially when you’re overwhelmed or uninterested, can suggest that you’re afraid to assert your own needs and boundaries.

It’s important to understand that saying no doesn’t make you impolite or unkind. It’s a way of respecting your own time and energy.

Next time you’re on the verge of saying yes to something you’d rather not do, take a moment to consider what’s best for you.

It might feel strange at first, but over time, it will help you appear more confident and self-assured.

9) Hesitant body language

Body language is a powerful tool for communication. It can reveal a lot about how we feel and how others perceive us.

Slouching, fidgeting, or constantly looking down are all signs of insecurity.

While it might feel “polite” to make yourself smaller or less noticeable, these habits can send a message of lack of self-confidence.

On the other hand, standing tall, maintaining good posture, and using open body language can project an image of confidence and self-assuredness.

Be mindful of your body language. It’s not just about what you say, but also how you carry yourself that impacts how others perceive you.

10) Being overly self-deprecating

While self-deprecation can be seen as a form of modesty, using it excessively can actually make you appear insecure.

Regularly making fun of yourself or downplaying your worth sends a message that you don’t value yourself highly.

It’s important to remember that there’s a difference between a light-hearted, occasional self-deprecating joke and constantly putting yourself down.

You’re worth more than you might think, and it’s time to start believing it.

Respect yourself and others will follow suit. After all, confidence starts from within.

Final thoughts: It’s all about balance

Navigating the world of social etiquette can often feel like a tightrope walk.

Balancing politeness with assertiveness, humility with confidence, is not always an easy task.

The goal here isn’t to discard politeness altogether. Politeness is a social lubricant that smoothes our interactions and fosters respect among individuals.

The aim, instead, is to be aware of when being “too polite” may be coming across as insecurity.

As Eleanor Roosevelt once wisely said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Your confidence comes from within, and it’s about how you perceive yourself, not how others perceive you.

Take a moment to reflect on these habits. Do any of them resonate with you?

If they do, remember that it’s never too late to make changes. After all, self-awareness is the first step to personal growth.

Confidence isn’t built in a day, but each step you take towards it is a victory in itself.

Be patient with yourself and celebrate each small win along the way.

You’re on your path to becoming the best version of yourself – confident, assertive, and authentically polite.

Lachlan Brown

Lachlan Brown is an entrepreneur and co-founder of Brown Brothers Media, a digital publishing network reaching tens of millions of readers monthly. He holds a Graduate Diploma of Psychological Studies from Deakin University, though his real education came afterward: a warehouse job shifting TVs, a stretch of anxiety in his mid-twenties, and the slow discovery that studying the mind is not the same as learning how to live well. He started experimenting with Buddhist principles during breaks at the warehouse and eventually began writing about what he was learning. That writing became Hack Spirit, a widely read personal development site, and his book Hidden Secrets of Buddhism became a bestseller. His work breaks down complex ideas into frameworks people can apply immediately, whether they are navigating a career change, a difficult relationship, or the gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it. Lachlan splits his time between Singapore and Saigon. He writes about high-performance routines, decision-making under pressure, digital innovation, and the intersection of Eastern philosophy with modern life. His perspective comes from having built things from scratch, failed at some of them, and learned that clarity comes from practice, not theory.