8 things you should never say when you first meet someone, says psychology

First impressions are weird.

You’ve got milliseconds to register someone’s vibe, a few seconds to hold their attention, and maybe—if you’re lucky—a few minutes to actually connect.

It’s not just about what you do. What you say can either open doors or quietly close them without you realizing.

And look, we’ve all said cringey stuff when nervous. But the goal here isn’t to be perfect—it’s to show up real, grounded, and socially aware.

So let’s dive into 8 things that psychology (and, honestly, life experience) says you’re better off skipping the first time you meet someone.

1. “What do you do?”

It’s not that this question is inherently rude—it’s just tired.

We’ve been conditioned to think our job is our identity. But jumping straight to this question puts people in a box and makes the interaction feel transactional. It also assumes everyone has a job, or one they want to talk about.

A better approach? Try “What’s been keeping you busy lately?” or “What’s something you’re into right now?” It opens the door for them to talk about work or passion projects, hobbies, side hustles—whatever feels meaningful.

2. “You look tired.”

Even if it’s meant with concern, this always lands wrong.

Psychologically, we’re wired to pick up on negative feedback faster than positive.

So even a comment like this—delivered with good intent—can trigger self-consciousness or defensiveness. People might instantly think, Do I look bad? Am I making a bad impression?

If you’re genuinely worried about someone’s energy, try saying “Rough day?” or “How are you holding up?” instead. Same sentiment, less sting.

3. “I hate drama, I just tell it like it is.”

This is usually a red flag waving in bold neon letters.

What you’re trying to say is that you value honesty. But what people hear is: “I’m blunt, I don’t care how my words land, and I use ‘truth’ as a weapon.”

According to research in interpersonal communication, people tend to respond more positively to feedback when it’s delivered with warmth and empathy—not brutal honesty.

There’s a Buddhist teaching that stuck with me on this: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? When all three line up, you’ve got real integrity—not just a hot take.

4. “You’re not like other [insert group].”

This one is sneakily insulting.

Telling someone they’re “not like other girls” or “not like other guys from that city” might sound like a compliment, but it’s actually a backhanded one.

It reinforces stereotypes and makes people feel like you’re holding them up in contrast to others, not seeing them as a whole human.

It’s one of those things we say when we want to connect, but it often has the opposite effect. If you’re impressed by someone, just say that—without dragging a whole group along for the ride.

5. “Let me tell you everything about me.”

There’s a difference between being open and emotionally dumping.

When you first meet someone, your energy should be curious—not confessional. Oversharing too soon can overwhelm people and create an awkward imbalance.

It might feel like you’re building intimacy, but what you’re really doing is bypassing the trust-building process.

I’ve talked about this before, but our nervous systems are sensitive to pace. Real connection happens when both people feel safe to open up gradually, not when one person hijacks the emotional stage.

6. “My ex used to…”

Nope.

Just…no.

Talking about your ex in the first convo—even casually—raises instant questions: Are you over them? Are you comparing me? Are you carrying unresolved baggage?

And look, I get it. Sometimes it slips out. But psychology shows that bringing up past relationships too early can subconsciously signal emotional unavailability.

If a topic naturally steers that way, keep it vague and steer it back. You’re not hiding anything—you’re just respecting the present moment.

7. “I read your energy instantly.”

This one depends on the crowd, but it’s risky.

In some spiritual or self-development spaces, this might fly. But for most people, comments like “I can tell you’re a Capricorn” or “I can feel your aura” can come off as judgmental or even invasive.

And let’s be honest—none of us are 100% accurate energy readers on a first meeting. We’re all walking around with masks, moods, and mental clutter. What you’re sensing might have nothing to do with who they really are.

One of the big takeaways I got from Rudá Iandê’s book Laughing in the Face of Chaos is that “We live immersed in an ocean of stories, from the collective narratives that shape our societies to the personal tales that define our sense of self.”

That line hit me. It reminded me to question the mental stories I tell myself about people. Because most of the time? I’m just projecting.

So maybe ditch the energy labels and just…get to know them.

8. “This might sound crazy, but…”

Stop undermining yourself before you even speak.

Phrases like “This might sound crazy” or “You’re gonna think I’m weird” create unnecessary self-consciousness in the listener. You’re planting a seed of doubt about yourself and the conversation before it even begins.

Language experts warn that hedging and self‑effacing qualifiers like these can dilute credibility and project uncertainty. Essentially, they signal that you’re not fully confident in your own words.

Instead, just own it. Say the thing. Weirdness is great. It makes you memorable. But when you put a disclaimer in front of your thoughts, it makes people wonder why you felt the need to do that.

And on a deeper level? It reveals insecurity around self-expression. You’re testing the waters instead of swimming.

Final words

Meeting someone for the first time isn’t about impressing them—it’s about showing up as your grounded, present self. Not the polished resume version. Not the oversharing version. Just…you.

Words matter. They signal where you’re coming from, how safe you are, and what kind of connection you’re inviting in.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned—through psychology, Buddhism, and honestly, years of awkward social experiments—it’s that presence beats performance every single time.

And when you do speak? Let it be real, kind, and just human enough to leave a mark.

Because in the end, like Rudá says: “When we stop resisting ourselves, we become whole. And in that wholeness, we discover a reservoir of strength, creativity, and resilience we never knew we had.”

And that’s exactly the energy worth bringing to the first hello.