12 subtle signs someone is taking advantage of your kindness

by Lachlan Brown | June 10, 2024, 6:55 pm

Kindness is great, but sometimes people take advantage of it.

It can be hard to tell when this is happening.

You might feel something’s not right but can’t put your finger on it.

That’s what we’re here for!

I’m going to list 12 signs that someone might be using your kindness for their own gain.

So, let’s get straight to it and help you figure this out.

1. They only reach out when they need something

The first sign that someone might be taking advantage of your kindness is if they only get in touch when they need something.

You know the type: they pop up out of nowhere when they want a favor, but when you’re the one who could use some help or just want to hang out, they’re suddenly too busy or just don’t reply to your messages.

If you notice that their calls, texts, or emails always revolve around their needs and never about mutual interests or simply checking in on you, it’s likely that they’re not valuing your kindness for what it truly is but instead see it as a tool to benefit themselves.

2. You feel emotionally drained after spending time with them

When your interactions with someone consistently leave you feeling drained, it’s a good sign that they’re taking more from you than they’re giving.

Kindness is about mutual respect and care, not about one person always lifting the other up.

If you frequently find yourself feeling emotionally exhausted after spending time with this person, it might be because they’re taking advantage of your kind nature.

This could be through constant negativity, always shifting the conversation to their problems, or rarely showing interest in your life or feelings.

3. They hardly ever say ‘thank you’

This might seem like a small thing, but it’s actually a big deal.

When someone is grateful for your kindness, they naturally want to express that gratitude.

Just a simple ‘thank you’ can go a long way.

But if they hardly ever thank you, it might mean that they’ve come to expect your kindness rather than appreciate it.

For example, I had a friend who would always ask me for rides to different places.

At first, I didn’t mind because that’s what friends do for each other, right?

But then I began to realize that she never said ‘thank you’.

It was as if she took it for granted that I’d always be there to give her a lift.

It really hit me one day when she called me late at night to pick her up from a party and didn’t even acknowledge my effort.

That’s when I knew she was taking advantage of my kindness.

4. They don’t respect your boundaries

Respect for boundaries is key in any healthy relationship.

When someone consistently crosses the lines you’ve drawn, it’s a clear sign they’re taking advantage of your kindness.

People who frequently push or disrespect boundaries often do so because they’re used to getting their way.

They might see your kindness as a sign that you’re easy to manipulate.

 

If you notice this pattern, it’s important to communicate your boundaries clearly and stand firm when they’re tested.

Remember, preserving your mental and emotional health is paramount, and it’s okay to say ‘no’ when someone is asking too much of you.

5. They make you feel guilty for saying no

Kindness should never be a one-way street.

If someone makes you feel guilty or bad for not being able to meet their needs or requests, that’s a major red flag.

They’re manipulating your kind nature to serve their own interests, which is not only unfair but also emotionally damaging.

Here’s a heartfelt thought:

Your kindness is a testament to your generous spirit and warm heart.

It’s something to be proud of.

But remember, you also need to be kind to yourself. Saying ‘no’ when you need to isn’t selfish – it’s self-care.

You deserve the same compassion and understanding you extend to others.

So if anyone ever

tries to make you feel guilty for taking care of yourself, remember that it’s not a reflection on you but on them. Your kindness is precious, and so are you.

6. They rarely return the favor

Kindness isn’t about keeping score, but there should be some level of give-and-take in your relationships.

If you’re always the one lending a hand, and they’re always on the receiving end, it might be a sign that they’re taking advantage of your kindness.

For instance, I had a coworker who’d always ask me to cover her shifts but would never do the same for me.

She’d come up with all sorts of excuses when I needed her help.

It was disappointing to realize she wasn’t as willing to help me out, even though I’d done so for her multiple times.

This experience taught me that kindness should be reciprocal.

If they can’t return the favor when you’re in need, then perhaps your kindness is being taken for granted.

7. They’re all talk, no action

Ever had someone promise you the moon and the stars, but when it comes down to actually delivering, they’re nowhere to be found?

Yeah, that’s a classic sign of someone taking advantage of your kind nature.

They’ll tell you everything you want to hear, make grand promises about how they’ll repay your kindness, but when push comes to shove, they don’t follow through.

This can be a tough pill to swallow, especially if you’re someone who values honesty and integrity.

It can feel like a betrayal, like they’ve played with your emotions.

And honestly? It’s not okay. Your kindness deserves to be met with sincerity, not empty words.

If they can’t walk their talk, then perhaps your kindness is better spent elsewhere.

8. They often play the victim

People who habitually take advantage of others’ kindness often portray themselves as victims.

They’ll weave tales of woe, seeking sympathy and assistance, but rarely take responsibility for their own circumstances.

According to psychologists, this is a form of manipulation called ‘victim playing’.

It’s designed to provoke empathy and guilt, making it easier for them to exploit your kindness.

If you notice someone always seems to be in a crisis and relies heavily on you for support but never seems to make any effort to improve their situation, they might be taking advantage of your good nature.

9. They make you feel less than

This is something I’ve experienced first-hand, and it’s not a pleasant feeling.

When someone is trying to take advantage of your kindness, they might try to make you feel less than or inadequate in some way.

They might make subtle comments or comparisons that make you feel like you’re not good enough, or that you owe them something.

In my case, I had a ‘friend’ who would always compare me to others in our circle, pointing out how they were doing more for her than I was.

It took me a while to realize that she was doing this to manipulate me into going out of my way for her more often.

Remember, real friends lift each other up, they don’t tear each other down.

If someone makes you feel small, it’s a clear sign they’re taking advantage of your kindness.

10. They never invite you to their social events

Are you always the one inviting them to parties, dinners, or hangouts?

And when the tables are turned, do you find yourself left out?

It’s a harsh reality to face, but if they’re willing to benefit from your kindness but aren’t keen on including you in their social circle, it’s an indication that they’re using you.

11. They’re constantly criticizing you

Constructive criticism is one thing, but if someone is always finding fault in what you do or how you do it, it’s not a good sign.

They might be doing this to undermine your confidence and make you feel like you need to try harder – which usually means doing more for them.

12. You often feel used

Sometimes, the clearest sign is your own intuition.

If you often feel used after interacting with this person, chances are, you’re being taken advantage of.

Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to listen to them. Trust your gut; if something feels off, it probably is.

Remember, your kindness is a beautiful trait, but don’t let anyone turn it into a weakness.

Stand up for yourself and remember that it’s okay to draw boundaries and say ‘no’ when needed.

You deserve respect and appreciation just as much as anyone else.

Lachlan Brown

Lachlan Brown is an entrepreneur and co-founder of Brown Brothers Media, a digital publishing network reaching tens of millions of readers monthly. He holds a Graduate Diploma of Psychological Studies from Deakin University, though his real education came afterward: a warehouse job shifting TVs, a stretch of anxiety in his mid-twenties, and the slow discovery that studying the mind is not the same as learning how to live well. He started experimenting with Buddhist principles during breaks at the warehouse and eventually began writing about what he was learning. That writing became Hack Spirit, a widely read personal development site, and his book Hidden Secrets of Buddhism became a bestseller. His work breaks down complex ideas into frameworks people can apply immediately, whether they are navigating a career change, a difficult relationship, or the gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it. Lachlan splits his time between Singapore and Saigon. He writes about high-performance routines, decision-making under pressure, digital innovation, and the intersection of Eastern philosophy with modern life. His perspective comes from having built things from scratch, failed at some of them, and learned that clarity comes from practice, not theory.