One reliable sign of manipulation may not be a particular behavior — it’s leaving almost every interaction slightly confused about what happened and slightly convinced it was your fault

by Lachlan Brown | May 13, 2026, 10:53 am

Here’s what nobody tells you about manipulation: it doesn’t always look like obvious lies or aggressive demands. The most insidious form leaves you doubting your own perception of reality.

Seth J. Gillihan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist specializing in mindful cognitive behavioral therapy, puts it perfectly: “Manipulation is often seen as helpful to the manipulator and harmful to others, but the truth is that it hurts everyone.”

Think about that for a second. Even the person doing the manipulating is trapped in a toxic pattern.

But here’s where it gets interesting. The confusion you feel isn’t random. It’s engineered. Every slight twist of words, every subtle reframing of events, every gentle suggestion that maybe you’re remembering things wrong – it all adds up to a deliberate erosion of your confidence in your own judgment.

I remember one particular conversation where someone convinced me I’d promised something I knew I hadn’t. By the end of our talk, I was apologizing profusely and questioning whether my memory was failing me. Sound familiar?

Why confusion is the perfect weapon

Jacquelyn Johnson, PsyD, explains that “Manipulation is an attempt to gain control of a situation.” And what better way to gain control than to make someone doubt their own reality?

When you’re confused, you’re vulnerable. You start looking to the other person for clarity, for validation, for confirmation that you’re not going crazy. And that’s exactly where they want you.

The beauty (if you can call it that) of this tactic is its invisibility. You can’t point to a specific lie. You can’t identify a clear threat. There’s just this persistent, nagging sense that something isn’t right, coupled with an equally persistent voice telling you it’s probably your fault.

But manipulation specifically targets that trust, leaving us adrift in uncertainty.

The gaslighting connection

Ever heard of gaslighting? It’s the heavyweight champion of confusion-based manipulation.

Michelle Quirk, a psychologist, warns that “Gaslighting is a destructive manipulation tactic that undermines a person’s perception of reality.”

Research shows that gaslighting leads victims to question their reality, resulting in confusion and self-doubt about their perceptions and memories. It’s like having someone constantly move the furniture in your house just slightly, then insist nothing has changed when you stumble in the dark.

The most chilling part? It works. Gradually, incrementally, but devastatingly effectively.

I once knew someone who would regularly “forget” conversations we’d had, then act surprised and concerned when I brought them up. “Are you sure that happened?” they’d ask, with just enough worry in their voice to make me wonder if I was losing it.

The guilt trap

Here’s another piece of the puzzle that took me way too long to figure out.

Davia Sills, a psychologist, notes that “Manipulators often make their partners feel guilty or invalidated when they attempt to express themselves.”

This creates a perfect storm. Not only are you confused about what happened, but you also feel guilty for being confused. You feel bad for questioning things. You feel wrong for having feelings about it in the first place.

It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

I spent months in my mid-20s battling anxiety, constantly worrying that I was the problem in every relationship. That overactive mind of mine would replay conversations endlessly, trying to figure out where I’d gone wrong. Looking back, I realize how much of that anxiety was manufactured by people who benefited from my self-doubt.

Breaking free from the fog

So how do you escape this maze of confusion?

First, start trusting that feeling in your gut. You know, the one that says something’s off? That’s your internal compass working perfectly. The confusion isn’t coming from you – it’s being imposed on you.

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, describes it bluntly: “Gaslighting is a treacherous, disabling form of manipulation.”

Notice the word “disabling.” That’s what confusion does – it disables your ability to trust yourself.

Here’s what I’ve learned works: Keep a journal. Write down conversations immediately after they happen. Document agreements, promises, and important discussions. Not because you’re paranoid, but because having a record helps you trust your own memory when someone tries to rewrite history.

Also, find someone you trust completely – a friend, therapist, or family member – and reality-check with them. Sometimes just hearing someone else say “No, that’s not normal” can be incredibly validating.

The workplace dimension

This isn’t just about personal relationships. Recent research on workplace gaslighting found that such manipulation leads to confusion and self-doubt among employees, affecting their perception of reality and work environment.

Ever had a boss who constantly moved goalposts? Who remembered conversations differently every time? Who made you feel like you were always falling short but could never quite explain how?

Yeah, that’s not you being incompetent. That’s someone using confusion as a management style.

The power of clarity

Here’s something I wish I’d understood earlier: Healthy relationships don’t leave you confused. They might challenge you, disagree with you, even frustrate you sometimes. But they don’t leave you questioning your basic grasp of reality.

When someone truly cares about you, they want you to understand. They clarify when things are unclear. They acknowledge when memories differ. They work with you to find common ground, not leave you lost in a fog of uncertainty.

I’ve learned that listening is more valuable than having the right answer, but manipulators flip this script. They’re not interested in understanding or being understood. They’re interested in control.

Studies on cognitive dissonance show that the discomfort from holding conflicting beliefs can be manipulated to induce behavior change, leading individuals to question their actions and beliefs. Manipulators instinctively understand this and use it to their advantage.

Conclusion

If you’re reading this and recognizing patterns in your own life, know this: The confusion isn’t your fault. The self-doubt isn’t a character flaw. The guilt isn’t justified.

You’re not crazy. You’re not overreacting. You’re not too sensitive.

You’re being manipulated.

And recognizing that is the first step toward reclaiming your reality. Trust yourself. Trust that uncomfortable feeling. Trust the confusion as a signal, not as a reflection of your inadequacy.

Because here’s the truth: Real connections create clarity, not confusion. Real love builds confidence, not doubt. And real respect never leaves you wondering if you’re the problem.

The fog will lift. And when it does, you’ll see things – and yourself – clearly again.

Lachlan Brown

Lachlan Brown is an entrepreneur and co-founder of Brown Brothers Media, a digital publishing network reaching tens of millions of readers monthly. He holds a Graduate Diploma of Psychological Studies from Deakin University, though his real education came afterward: a warehouse job shifting TVs, a stretch of anxiety in his mid-twenties, and the slow discovery that studying the mind is not the same as learning how to live well. He started experimenting with Buddhist principles during breaks at the warehouse and eventually began writing about what he was learning. That writing became Hack Spirit, a widely read personal development site, and his book Hidden Secrets of Buddhism became a bestseller. His work breaks down complex ideas into frameworks people can apply immediately, whether they are navigating a career change, a difficult relationship, or the gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it. Lachlan splits his time between Singapore and Saigon. He writes about high-performance routines, decision-making under pressure, digital innovation, and the intersection of Eastern philosophy with modern life. His perspective comes from having built things from scratch, failed at some of them, and learned that clarity comes from practice, not theory.